Obama's First Ad of 2012

Comics & Jokes

Jokes from Late Night:

“Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?” —Jay Leno

“Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, ‘We really should change the curtains.’” —Craig Ferguson

“Today, President Obama finally met with BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.” —Jimmy Fallon

nobamablog.wordpress.com

Moving to Mexico

Dear President Obama:

I’m planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.

We’re planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. Into Mexico , and we’ll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.

I’m sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I’m on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.

4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.

5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.

7. Please plan to feed my grand kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver’s license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but, I don’t plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won’t make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. Flag from my house top, put U S. Flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.

13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.

14. I want to receive free food stamps.

15. Naturally, I’ll expect free rent subsidies.

16. I’ll need Income tax credits so although I don’t pay Mexican Taxes, I’ll receive money from the government.

17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov’t pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.

18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I’ll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. From Mexico . I am sure that President Calderon won’t mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help. You’re the man!!!

nobamablog.wordpress.com

‘I’m Hopeful’: How Does the iPad Compare to the oPad

Jokes...

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree…. and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

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America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

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Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal?

A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

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Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fundraiser.

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Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?

A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.

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Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!

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Q:What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

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Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for clunkers” program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

nobamablog.wordpress.com

Obama Baby

Obama Baby, slip some money under the tree, for me
Just take it from your stash
Obama Baby and hurry down the chimney tonight.

Obama baby, a fancy new convertible, too
Light blue
Just make some other schmuck pay
Obama Baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight.

Think of all the fun I've missed
And think of all the union bottoms
that you kissed.

2012 could be so good for you, if you check off my Christmas list
ba, boo ba boo ba doo

Obama Baby, there's one thing I really do need, for free
and that's a house of my own
Obama baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Obama Baby, I want what they've got and really that's uh, not a lot
I've been an angel all year
Obama Baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight.

Obama Cutie, fill my stockings with a duplex and checks,
Sign your "O" on the line
Obama Baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
with free food, free gas and electricity.

I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me
ba boo ba boo ba doo

Obama Baby, forgot to mention one little thing
A ring
I mean a new IPhone
Obama Baby
And hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight.

SNL Parody of Obama & Jintao Press Conference in Beijing

"Do I look like Mrs. Obama?!"

One of the most hysterical and dare I say critical skits on Obama that I’ve ever seen from SNL: the Chinese prime minister asks where his money is and why Obama is “trying to do sex to me!”

A MUST watch.

Via Ms. Underestimated

thedanashow.wordpress.com

Leno Zings Matthews: He's Amongst 'Drooling Blondes Rubbing Up Against' Obama

Pivoting off of Christopher Anderson's new book, 'Barack and Michelle: Portrait of an American Marriage,' Jay Leno delivered this monologue joke, with MSNBC's Chris Matthews as the punch line, on Wednesday night's prime time Jay Leno Show on NBC:

There's a new book out about Barack and Michelle Obama's marriage and in it they say Michelle Obama was very upset by all these drooling blondes who would push up to her husband and rub themselves up against him. They said this one blonde was especially suggestive and kept rubbing up against the President. Finally, Michelle said, “Look, Chris Matthews, get away from my husband.”

newsbusters.org

No Treats From Obama

Opie is extremely picky about who he takes his treats from.

Knock-knock!

“Knock-knock!”

“Who’s there?”

“Kenya”

“Kenya who?”

“Kenya please show us your birth certificate?”

Comics

Failed Obama Stamp?

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.

The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1)The stamp is in perfect order.

2)There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3)People are spitting on the wrong side.

Random Joke...

In Honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor, Barocky Road.

Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes. The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The Cost is $100.00 per scoop. When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. Thus you are left with an empty Wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.

Aren't you feeling stimulated?

The Obama Card

Could Obama Be Just Too Awesome?

It’s unfashionable right now to worry about things. The dark ages of being ruled by a thuggish tyrant are now behind America. By electing Barack Obama (the pinnacle of perfect manhood) our leader, we have entered a new era of enlightenment and declared to the universe that we are no longer feuding beasts. Soon Obama’s extremely targeted and precise stimulus plan will have us overflowing with riches, and his wisdom in all things will bring peace to this world. Then all the troubles we now have will be but fables to scare children with.

Despite all this, though, I still worry. Could Obama have a flaw? Could he be, in fact, too awesome?

Before you grab the pitchforks and label me an apostate, hear me out. Now I am an enlightened individual who fully understands and appreciates President Obama (pbuh), but can we expect the same from other countries with non-Obama leaders? Those people have never produced a person like Obama, not to mention elected him, so it is natural for them to be scared and intimidated by someone so beyond their understanding. To them, meeting Obama must be like encountering Jesus riding a dinosaur — both reassuring and intimidating at the same time. It’s natural they’ll be confused.

Just look at the British reaction to Obama’s meeting with Gordon Brown. They seem to think their prime minister was snubbed by not getting the special reception they had become accustomed to when the troglodyte Bush was dictator. Many British reporters were also angry how Obama seemed hesitant to answer many questions. Such nonsense shows that the British are still stuck in pre-Obama thinking. Of course the unrefined Bush would make a big deal of meeting foreign leaders; to that simpleton, it must have been like being visited by advanced aliens. It would be silly for Obama, though, to act like it is an honor to meet with other countries’ non-Obama leaders, or for him to hold the pretense that speaking with them would give him knowledge he did not already possess. He is Obama; the British should not worry if Obama is listening, because he already understands their needs better than they do. As for the British press, they must learn to be more like the American press, which already knows there is no reason to question Obama. Obama is aware of what we need to know and when we need to know it, so there is no reason for the formality of questions. We simply must sit and wait for his wisdom, but the British have yet to come to that understanding. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if in the future they brought offerings of gold and silver.

Obama’s overwhelming magnificence could also be a problem with Iran. After eight years of the caveman Bush screaming gibberish at Iran and shaking a rock at them threateningly, it is natural that Iran is still quite easily startled. So Obama, much unlike the previous leader who would order military strikes against loud thunderstorms, wanted to be delicate and try a thing called diplomacy. Thus he wrote a letter to Russia to try and help. That was a mistake, for once again the inability of another country to comprehend Obama resulted in trouble.

First off, Russia was quite startled to receive a letter from the American president, as they were used to the leader of America being illiterate and scared of the mail (since he believed it was transported by black magic). Thus it is no wonder the Russians would be suspicious and a bit confused. Not understanding Obama, they thought the letter outlined a quid pro quo where Obama would scrap missile defense in Europe in exchange for help with Iran, not only against actual missiles but also the much deadlier missiles of hate and ignorance. In fact, the letter was expressing how Obama now is our missile defense

Now, of course, Iran will be even more bewildered by what’s going on. They’re a primitive people whose leader believes in a mystical “God” character much like our own leader did in the dark ages of earlier this year. I’m sure Obama eventually will be able to calm them and get them to trust him again — perhaps by building them a missile defense so they’ll feel safer — but the damage is already done.

So this is what we’re up against. We may have entered a new era, but much of the world is still Obamaless and mired in the fear and mistrust of pre-Obama times. It will be up to us to help assure the world that Obama’s hope and change is for them as well. They need to know that if Obama’s actions seem stupid or insulting to them, it’s only because they are not yet able to understand his splendor. We must remember that while Obama’s brilliant radiance may fill us with awe, it could actually hurt the eyes of those unused to such light.

by Frank J. Fleming

How many zeros in a billion?

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual manner, think about whether you want the "politicians" spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.

B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D.C .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??

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Tax his land,

Tax his wage,

Tax his bed in which he lays.

Tax his tractor,

Tax his mule,

Teach him taxes is the rule.

Tax his cow,

Tax his goat,

Tax his pants,

Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,

Tax his shirts,

Tax his work,

Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,

Tax his drink,

Tax him if he tries to think.

Tax his booze,

Tax his beers,

If he cries,

Tax his tears.

Tax his bills,

Tax his gas,

Tax his notes,

Tax his cash.

Tax him good and let him know

That after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers,

Tax him more,

Tax him! until he's good and sore.

Tax his coffin,

Tax his grave,

Tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his tomb,

"Taxes drove me to my doom!"

And when he's gone,

We won't relax,

We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!

Obama and the Little Red Hen

Who will help me plant the wheat?" asked the Little Red Hen.

'Not I,' said the cow.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Not I,' said the pig.

'Not I,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain..

'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.

'Not I,' said the duck..

'Out of my classification,' said the pig.

'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread.

'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.

'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.

'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.

'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'

'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy, Let's re-distribute the wealth!"

'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.

'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer.. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD? OR WHAT?


By Illinois Review